Hey everyone,
It’s become our lockdown ritual.
On the days that Sam’s not working and I don’t have any major deadlines, we drop our son off to school and walk down to the seafront where we sit on a bench, drink coffee from a thermos and talk about life, dreams, everything, and nothing. (Schools have remained open in lockdown 2.0 in the UK.)
We could choose to look at the lockdown as the reason that we’re no longer able to see our friends, connect with new people, or sit in our favorite cafe and have breakfast. Or we could see it as an opportunity for us to connect as a couple, a chance for us to sit alone, away from the rest of the world, look out at the sea, and have enviable, romantic coffee dates that can be so rare for working parents.
Both these stories of lockdown are true, but if we chose to see only one, we’d be depriving ourselves of the experiences and learning of the other.
Years ago, a mentor taught me about reframing setbacks. To find the positive in any disappointment. To come at situations from different angles so that I could find the lesson and the opportunity.
This is a good first step, I’ll agree. But reframing, at least to me, never felt like a complete process.
You know the kind of person I am. I don’t have patience for bullshit, other people’s or my own. I don’t want to pretend that everything bad has to have had some underlying good. Sometimes things are just bad. If I’m disappointed, I’m okay with feeling disappointed. I don’t feel the need to cover it up with sparkles and glitter. But I also, of course, understand that it’s human nature to focus on the negatives of a situation whilst completely ignoring the positives, to focus on the things I’ve done wrong and am bad at whilst completely forgetting the talent, commitment, passion, and drive I bring to the table.
So reframing was important in that it showed me that it was necessary to look for the positives in any given situation.
But asking “Is it true?” is what allowed me to trust it.
Is it true that we can’t see friends anymore? (No, we can always get on Zoom.)
Is it true that we can’t connect with new people? (Not really, we have a son in school and we have connected with other parents we didn’t know before.)
Is it true that we can’t sit in our favorite cafe and have breakfast? (Yes, and it sucks. It’s okay to feel sad for the owners who’ve lost business and for the moments we loved and can no longer recreate, at least for now.)
This does, of course, apply to all the setbacks and failures in your writing life, too.
When a client accuses you of being shoddy with your work, don’t immediately get defensive and push back. Alternatively, don’t take what they’re saying and use it as a stick to beat yourself up with either. Instead ask, “Is it true?” and then answer truthfully.
If it’s true, it’s important feedback and may just be the thing that saves your career from impending doom. If it’s not, that knowledge allows you to respond with calm conviction and not defensive attack.
When a book deal has gone sour and you proclaim to anyone who will listen that you will never be a published author, ask yourself calmly if that is true.
When a writing session goes badly and you look at your work and think, reactively, that you suck at this, ask yourself honestly if that is true. (It may not be, but equally it may be, and isn’t that great to know so you can take steps to get better?)
When the story idea you love keeps coming back rejected, and you start to believe that it’s actually terrible, stop. Ask yourself: Is it true?
We can all find the negatives and positives in any situation. That is not difficult and it has become almost cliche at this point for mindset coaches to tell you that you need to find the lessons in anything bad that’s happened to you.
Do it. It helps. But after you’re done looking at both the positives and the negatives of a situation, don’t forget to look for the truth in each.
Because if you’re willing and courageous enough to face it, that will be what helps you grow the most.
Cheers,
Natasha